Two beers.

Rare is the person who has been arrested who tells the truth about why or shows even an iota of accountability for their actions. The smorgasbord of responses to the, "how can I help you," intake question is meager. You have three items to choose from: 1./ arrested for a theft crime? "I was framed, the cops hate me." 2./ taken in for drunk driving? "I only had two beers." 3./ picked up for pot? "It wasn't mine, I was holding it for a friend." This is a true story. In all of the years I've worked with people, adults and juveniles alike, the stories are the same. It's as if they all went to the Excuse 101 class on what to say when the cop is tapping at their car window, red and blue lights flashing, wondering why they are weaving and the car reeks of stale booze. Did you go to that class? The one where the instructor told you to say, "only two beers" or the one that got your parents to call me because they too are convinced that the baggie of weed in your backpack, the one found by the copper at your school, was your friends, and that you've only tried it once.

Seriously, this very phenomenon happened in my office twice yesterday. The one picked up for burglary who was framed, who had an arrest record as long as my arm and was, "being watched by the cops 24/7." No shit sherlock. In a town this small, law enforcement knows you pretty well, and with all the times they've been called to your house, I'm guessing they have their collective eye on you. Then, later in the afternoon, the not yet 18 year old (read: can't get a medical marijuana card for his "bad back") who got busted for smoking on campus ("you smoke on campus and don't think you'll get caught?"), but cleverly answered the officer about "that baggie in your pocket?" "Not mine, I'm holding it for a friend." I won't go into the story about a woman one of the interns called me about who was "acting funny" but told him she'd "only had two beers."

Okay, so what gives? People don't go to excuse classes (I've asked) so how come the vast majority use the same lame stories to try and get out of their predicament? It must be part of our cultural narrative for it to be occur with such prevalence. What else could account for the lack of imagination?

New interns always come in telling me how they need to help client #1 in their repertoire, because "he really was holding it for his friend." They think I am jaded when I tell them some variation of, "he's lying to you, how can you help him be accountable?" until they too have heard it from client #4, 5, 11 and 27. I tell them, "pity the poor kid who really was holding it for his friend," because with all these stories, 1 in 13 is the actual account. Okay, I made that ratio up, but it seems about right.

The last guy who had the "only two beers" tale was stumped when I asked, "how big were those beers exactly?" His blood alcohol was four times the legal limit, so I joked with him that "two pony kegs might be more like it." Come on fella, think before you start telling your story, either tell the truth or get on the imagination wagon.

I realize we are not a truth telling culture. I believe that some people are indeed framed by law enforcement. I think marijuana should be legalized. Still, what is it about these stories? How about taking a stand or (gasp) being accountable? Is this too much to ask?